Vincent- desire

What on earth is your desire?

I want to say its God. I really want to. However thinking closely, observing my own thoughts, I realize I have to come to the fact that God isn't my desire. When I wake up in the morning, God isn't the first thing I think of. When wait aimlessly in the car, God isn't the subject of my wondering .

I want to move forward, I want to break free. Or do I?

She's a very nice distance away from me. Its like the earth and moon, a force is pulling them apart, yet on the contrary, a force is holding them together.

I can't run from her, she will always be in my life one way or another. And I can't get closer to her, because every time I try, a catastrophe happens.

Remembering Victor's theory, which said that why I still loved her, is because I have no reason not to. Since then, I've been trying very hard to find her flaws, and I've found a few.

However, her weaknesses are like the wind blowing through , easily forgettable and forgiven, understood with patience and overcame by my foolish , youthful, pointless love.

I'll hate myself for being loyal idiotic fool who fell so deep in love, that though I came in light, I am still blind.

I can't for life to go faster to see what can happen. I'll see when i'm 24.

Valiante

To Love is a privilege.

I love, I care .

I desire , I burn with fire.

I imagine, I believe,

to love is a privilege.

I learn, I grow,

I look back, I change.

I think , I show.

To love is a privilege.

I've seen, I've heard.

I've acknowledge, I've been absurd.

I've listened, I've ignored ,

But now I truly know ...

to love is a privilege.

Or do I ?

It is, and I will learn to appreciate it,

than to run from it.

Thank you.

God, and you.

Valiante.

Update

Yesterday was Saturday, spent quality time in church. Had this pastor who told gave us a personality check. I got an "I" and a "C". "I" for and influential person. Someone who affects people around him. To him , enjoyment is priority. Has no plan in everything he does. Full of ideas. Will sacrifice others for his own good. "C" , a critical thinker, needs lots of details, loves to think of new concepts, talk less, keeps to himself a lot. Plans ahead.

I was like , hm.... these are quite accurate. I was more on the I part than on the C. However it is undeniably true that I am part of both worlds. =]

Surprisingly, my dad is also a strong "I" and a secondary "C".

I am less attracted to her, but it doesn't mean I don't . Theories of the leaders constantly swim in my mind , Like " if you can't enjoy single-hood , you won't be able to survive without her , which makes you totally dependent on her. Which means you are not dependent on God. If makes a mistake, you will fall with her. "

And then there's " Vincent you need to learn to focus on God, you're surrounding your life around her. "

" I'm just attracted to her, not love."

I am, I assure you people, Dad, Joseph, Victor, the church , the leaders and everyone who cares for me, I will be a conqueror as God named me to be. I will triumph over this obstacles and be who He wants me to be. God has a great plan for me, with her or without her.

I am clearly able to control my feelings, though I get cold turkey once in awhile. But God has to be the drug I get addicted now. Its only right , when he's so Good to me.

" Dear God , May I find rest in you , my deliverer, my protector, and the Shepperd of my heart.

Somehow, this song by brooke fraser is the only romance song I ever liked.

The Thief - Brooke Fraser.

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us

Vincent Tan.

Vincent- onetwothree. Update

Listening to " I'm yours ". Something in me is fighting back though. Maybe because I belong to Jesus. No one else.

Oh well , my model is done. Not satisfied though. I'm just no Good with big fingers like these. I now admire people who can cut papers into alphabets , because darn , its hard. Imagine cutting 0.5mm grooves into the 1mm board.

I have to focus on God. Thats the only reason she's always around me. Its the only lesson I have not learnt yet. But I will. Just you watch.

Anyway, Model 3 is finishing soon. Drew a self portrait today , thought that my drawing looks more handsome than the me. hahaha. Hope tomorrow will be a good day.

Vincent

Beautiful

Has it ever occurred to you , that flowers are so beautiful.

Has it ever blow you mind away, how much time we waste on facebook.

Have you wake up in the morning thinking what's to be done today,

That I didn't accomplish yesterday.

craping

"I wanna treat girls right. Protect them. be a gentleman."

I went to lavender today , didn't think there would really be a place calleb by that. Oh well, to do my student pass. Didn't really think i would be lost, but the place's a mess, terrible architecture.

I'm just going to crap about today, so if you're not in for it, don't read on.

1. I'm blinded again. I'm don;t want to trust myself anymore. Sooner or later, i must face her, so i've decided i would. =]

2. I'm madly in love with her, though 3 months ago marks 5 years. I guess not getting something makes you wanna get it all the more aye ?

3. this is crap dun read.

4. Have you ever felt so lonely like you're a lil boy riding his tricycle on a empty highway leading to nowhere in the middle of a desert.

5. Have you loved someone so much you just feel so hard against yourself, and you just want to scream so loud, and deafen the whole world around you.

6. Have you ever felt afraid of going somewhere alone, to someplace you've never been? I have, and how i wish she was there by my side.

7. I'm not ready for a relationship.

8. Sux

9. I can't find a reason to hate her, maybe that's why I can't stop loving her.

10. Should ask her for a reason to hate her? Even then would she let me know her.

11. Here's the thing, I love her , but she doesn't. So I find a reason to hate her , of which i don't. But the thing is, the part that would make me hate her would be the inner most part of her, oh which she will only open to those whom are closest to her, whom she trusts.

And I am not.

I'm not ready for a marriage, because i'm not working.

I'm not ready for a relationship, because i have problems of my own, and being in a relationship will only AMPLIFY the problem. Not solve it.

God I love you, you know I do. Help me love you more.

Bang..... ah.... its nothing.

phew..... i miss caleb

pff.... i should focus..

darn my perspective drawing is good. But i can't say that, because that means i have pride.

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321321321321321321

654465465498798648512245767854.

38388828883.4864656545665.

0.523817694

-_-

valiante

what scares you?

As a little boy, I was big. I thought i fear nobody. I was the biggest guy in class when I was in kindergarden, I was the fastest growing boy in primary school. By primary four i needed to buy clothes from secondary school. On my first day in secondary school I was mistaken as a senior student. When I was 14, I was mistaken 35 when I wore glasses, checker shirt , and a mouth that kept shut. However, I was always afraid of one thing, and that was relations to people.

I'm afraid of Good relationships with guys, because that means I need to sacrifice certain things for them. I'm afraid of Good relationships with adults, because I have no idea what they are thinking about me. I'm afraid of Good relationships with children , because I have to be responsible for them.

Most of all, I'm afraid of Good relationships with girls, because I love easily , and I love deeply. On and off , there were some girls I desire for some time , but never was one as desirable than the one I've been in love with for the past 5 years , 3 months , and around 3 days.

What scares you ?

Her existence in my life , her ability to keep thinking about her every single day, her capability of making ga-gah when I see her, and the fact that she is making me constantly thinking of solutions to resolve our issue.

God, is there a resolve ?

because God, if there isn't , please , I beg of you , knock me over, and extract the memories of her from me.

She scares me.

Vincent.