Which Am I ?

It is time.

After some talks and consideration, I've come to a conclusion where I need to face the man in the mirror again. I have to look deeper this time. I've to know him better, because I know all but enough of him. I'll conquer him, and control him. I must , I must. God , help me.

Thy will be done, on earth, as it is in heaven.

Help me Lord, for these feelings are hard for me. Please take them away. I surrender it up to you, every single bit of feelings, every part of my soul she conquered. Lord, renew me, make me new. Help me grow stronger, and steadfast in your love. Help rely on your merciful arms of grace.

Unto you, I lay my burdens, my fears, my foolish love. Away from me shall my romance part, till the day you choose to open your mouth and announce "it is time"that I shall once again awaken my romance.

Put to sleep in me, that hungry being , lost for affection, disgraced by imperfections.

Thank you.

Vincent.

Remembering the days of love.

Remember the days when life had its momentum, when you had a passion for the most banal and senseless things, when everything doesn't need to make sense, when we could all just love without much thought. I didn't have that . I was different. I saw the danger people didn't see. I saw the potential, and the idiotic pointless puppy love that mingled among the mindsets of my generation.

I thought I was wise, I thought I was thinking a level higher. God, was that your plan ? That I never had an experience of mindless romance. Though lowly and immature it may be, but it seems that I've missed something in life. Someone potentially linked to me.

Maybe I do want to be in love again.

Maybe I really do want to love without holding back, again. Hopefully this time, I will not regret.

When the time is right.

I'll be waiting, Love.

I want to make you last for as long as I live.

I want to make you flourish with the other half of me.

I want to make you give birth into something good - a family.

I want to see you living up to what they you are.

I'll wait, though my heart longs for more.

Love,

Vincent.

Moving on.

I'm moving on.

Vincent- desire

What on earth is your desire?

I want to say its God. I really want to. However thinking closely, observing my own thoughts, I realize I have to come to the fact that God isn't my desire. When I wake up in the morning, God isn't the first thing I think of. When wait aimlessly in the car, God isn't the subject of my wondering .

I want to move forward, I want to break free. Or do I?

She's a very nice distance away from me. Its like the earth and moon, a force is pulling them apart, yet on the contrary, a force is holding them together.

I can't run from her, she will always be in my life one way or another. And I can't get closer to her, because every time I try, a catastrophe happens.

Remembering Victor's theory, which said that why I still loved her, is because I have no reason not to. Since then, I've been trying very hard to find her flaws, and I've found a few.

However, her weaknesses are like the wind blowing through , easily forgettable and forgiven, understood with patience and overcame by my foolish , youthful, pointless love.

I'll hate myself for being loyal idiotic fool who fell so deep in love, that though I came in light, I am still blind.

I can't for life to go faster to see what can happen. I'll see when i'm 24.

Valiante

To Love is a privilege.

I love, I care .

I desire , I burn with fire.

I imagine, I believe,

to love is a privilege.

I learn, I grow,

I look back, I change.

I think , I show.

To love is a privilege.

I've seen, I've heard.

I've acknowledge, I've been absurd.

I've listened, I've ignored ,

But now I truly know ...

to love is a privilege.

Or do I ?

It is, and I will learn to appreciate it,

than to run from it.

Thank you.

God, and you.

Valiante.

Update

Yesterday was Saturday, spent quality time in church. Had this pastor who told gave us a personality check. I got an "I" and a "C". "I" for and influential person. Someone who affects people around him. To him , enjoyment is priority. Has no plan in everything he does. Full of ideas. Will sacrifice others for his own good. "C" , a critical thinker, needs lots of details, loves to think of new concepts, talk less, keeps to himself a lot. Plans ahead.

I was like , hm.... these are quite accurate. I was more on the I part than on the C. However it is undeniably true that I am part of both worlds. =]

Surprisingly, my dad is also a strong "I" and a secondary "C".

I am less attracted to her, but it doesn't mean I don't . Theories of the leaders constantly swim in my mind , Like " if you can't enjoy single-hood , you won't be able to survive without her , which makes you totally dependent on her. Which means you are not dependent on God. If makes a mistake, you will fall with her. "

And then there's " Vincent you need to learn to focus on God, you're surrounding your life around her. "

" I'm just attracted to her, not love."

I am, I assure you people, Dad, Joseph, Victor, the church , the leaders and everyone who cares for me, I will be a conqueror as God named me to be. I will triumph over this obstacles and be who He wants me to be. God has a great plan for me, with her or without her.

I am clearly able to control my feelings, though I get cold turkey once in awhile. But God has to be the drug I get addicted now. Its only right , when he's so Good to me.

" Dear God , May I find rest in you , my deliverer, my protector, and the Shepperd of my heart.

Somehow, this song by brooke fraser is the only romance song I ever liked.

The Thief - Brooke Fraser.

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us

Vincent Tan.