Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve,

If , and only if,

Down the little pastures,

I could live.

Across the beautiful stream,

Where the candle lights gleam,

with happy little children,

Smiling in a radiant beam.

There will as I wish,

All my tears and anguish,

will be left far beyond the past,

Where time has made its last.

Today is Christmas Eve,

Thank you Jesus for your gift.

I'll look upon grace,

and love your sweet embrace.

Vincent.

CALEB'S COMING BACK.

As the topic says. =]

Life, as an update/ Girls in miniskirts that makes me wanna take a peek.

Just a little update on what's happening to the life Vincent Tan Zhuguang.

I'm finishing the 6th or 5th week of my second semester of my 1st year in NYP doing diploma in space and interior design. Currently doing an all nighter to finish my Colour Studies Model, Model Making Model, and Studio Project Model. it is thus only just to say that i'm into modelling than any of you people out there. Furthermore i'm doing it without starving myself into a skinny piece of minimalism art - skin and bones. Quite the contrary, I'm actually gaining weight. Bad sign. Need exercise.

**The following will be very honest and you will see Vincent's thoughts clear and unblemished, so if you feel rather disgusted, or you don't know Vincent for who he is, press the "X" on the top right corner of this window, live long and prosper. =] **

Everyday, I face a constant struggle. Girls in poly these days are wearing clothes as if they are competing who has the least material on their body, or who can survive the air-con with the least clothing. Childish I would say, furthermore, inconsiderate. You girls may think , that I think , you're awfully hot and given a whole lot of attention . However, ironically, I think you're a beautiful woman, who lacks self esteem, who needs to show every property that you have, because you don't have a lot.

Saddening.

Noticeability ? Yes. But what kind. Respect ?

I will not respect. I notice you, yes. Very much noticed. But it shows how much respect you deserve.

Other than that, Some girls are really nice people, and I really want to dig deeper into them and find out more of the goodness they posses inside. However, "them" showing everything at one glance is absolutely discarding me of the chance of thinking of them in a proper and respected manner.

Saddening.

I still believe in a society, where girls wear respectably , and guys who treat girls with utmost respect, with better ease.

And I pray such a day will come.

I will take my first in praying for my intermediate friends , so that they will see themselves as precious. So that their " mystery" will be kept appropriately.

"The Least of these...",

Vincent

3 laws I believe in. ( part 1) - No divorce

Have you ever thought of how the world could be better. Just like any other humanitarians , Christians and many other people who would stand at the divider of decisions and choose to do the right thing and not follow the mindless followers of the ways of the world, I am vexed.

How is it possible that people who are thought to do right since young, spanked on the butt for telling lies, scolded for listening to metal music , taught morale studies in school - come to accept homosexual as a society norm ? Display obscene Music videos in public family stores? Allow music with suicidal, sexual , rebellious content to be awarded top of the music industry?

You may be reading this blog ( seriously you should just click the X sign on the top left corner of this window if you do not know me , enough ) and think "what the heck is this guy thinking? So old fashion~" I would reply that some rules have shown their worth to stay , and have stood strong since the beginning of age. For example, the law of marriage, it should never be broken, divorce should never exist , an oath made in front of God and man, for better or worse, for richer for poorer , in weaknesses and strength...


Till death do us part...

this is the most important law I , Vincent tan believe , is the most important law that should be held firm if a country ones to bloom. For it is as I see it, a country is made up of different levels of society, such as the higher class, middle class and the working class. A society is made up of different families, big ones, little ones, extended ones. And a family is made up of a pair of parents, and a child or children. =]

Now, picture a world with faithful parents.

No divorce.

No abortions.

No orphans.

No unwanted children.

No fatherless people.

The world would be filled with well brought up children groomed in a surrounding saturated with love from both parents. These children grow up and become people who lack no love. A girl will not be exchanging virginity for undependable love in their teenage years, because their father will provide them love, enough.


Thus, it concludes my first point. No divorce.

#12 Things you probably would never know.

Sometimes, hearing that you need help, I really really want to put down everything to help you. But for now, I can't. Who am I for you to deserve that? I'm nobody to you, though you are more than somebody to me.

#11 Things you probably would never know.

The irony of avoiding you and stepping towards you at the same time is rather a stepping stone to a higher place than a way of balance. Thanks to you , I've learnt to be more sensitive, sometimes too sensitive. Though currently I can't find myself with idiocracy sufficient to court you ( as I would think it as foolish given the time and money I have. Hahah , laughing to myself, who reads this blog anyway), I find it more than pleasant to be constantly in love with you. I take pride in such capability to love you thus long. May it be, or may it be not, when the time comes I pop the question that you would or would not step on my train aboard this eventful journey, I will look back and not regret, for I believe I have fought a good fight, and I will continue fighting, until I reach the price, which God has called to be heavenward.

Vincent

#10 Things you probably would never know.

Reading through the chat logs makes me smile. But knowing that everything I say to you are told to your leader makes me feel like my privacy is being infiltrated.

Passion

Studying in NYP for the past half a year, God held me on , I shall praise for that. Thank God again for the passion he has placed in me. Thank God for a friend , one with good resources, beside me.

However , sometime it can be really disheartening when you have so much joy, yet there is no one that understands and rejoice with you.

Like when you found a certain interesting information, but when you tell it to someone else, they think i'm too obsessed with my course and think i'm spoiling the market.

God I pray for my classmates that they will have the same passion as I do. That they may share my joy, my happiness, my interest and be happy as I am.

Vincent.

Update

Ever thought that life was more than we see? Have you ever face a decision you know will change the following days of your life forever? Have you ever stand at the divided road where one points "The path of the world" and the other points "The path of God ".

Have you ever met the decision when you choose between God and the world, where you follow God, or compromise . I'm going to choose Jesus, and I'll never Compromise. Though his ways are narrow, but his burden light.

#9 Things you probably would never know.

If you had written a blog, I would read it over and over again until I have it stuck in my head, though you have a lot of grammar problems in your . Haha

Psalms 24

Psalm 24 (New International Version)

Psalm 24

Of David. A psalm.

¹ The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;

Everything on earth belongs to Jesus, he has authority over you and me, He commands my victory, he holds the path to my success, and he has power over all the evil for the earth is the lords and everything in it, THE WORLD, and ALL who live in it.

#8 thing you may never know.

Sometimes when it think of what you like, it feels like i'm amidst a black, lost and blind, a space of unknowings. Only did I realize that you've shut yourself away from me for so long...so long.

#7 Things you probably would never know.

It burns my soul to know that you have a problem yet you do not voice it out. If only you would open you mouth and ask me, I will put down my things and come to your aid willingly. However, maybe its for the best that it is not me who aid you.

#6 Things you probably would never know.

You are a mystery, one i'm determined to uncover. If and only if the day would come where you would open up yourself to me. i'll be waiting.

Flowers

Have it ever occur to you that flowers are beautiful?

Vincent.

#5 Things you probably would never know.

Your giggling smile kills me to say you are so adorable. Every time you do that, my heart simply pops out from its place and resonate its pounding rhythm into my ears.

#4 Things you probably would never know.

When you laugh, you breathe loudly. Its a kind of laugh I've never heard anywhere else, besides your sisters. =]

#3 Things you probably would never know.

When I look at you, sometimes I become so dazzled that I forget to breathe.

#2 Things you probably would never know.

The fragrance from your hair is almost distinct. It gives a warmth and comfortable feeling when i'm standing behind you. I liked it.

#1 Things you probably would never know.

When your Facebook status pops up on my news feed, it feels like someone took a hammer and hit it on my head. It leaves bruise. One that will take time for it to be forgotten.

Which Am I ?

It is time.

After some talks and consideration, I've come to a conclusion where I need to face the man in the mirror again. I have to look deeper this time. I've to know him better, because I know all but enough of him. I'll conquer him, and control him. I must , I must. God , help me.

Thy will be done, on earth, as it is in heaven.

Help me Lord, for these feelings are hard for me. Please take them away. I surrender it up to you, every single bit of feelings, every part of my soul she conquered. Lord, renew me, make me new. Help me grow stronger, and steadfast in your love. Help rely on your merciful arms of grace.

Unto you, I lay my burdens, my fears, my foolish love. Away from me shall my romance part, till the day you choose to open your mouth and announce "it is time"that I shall once again awaken my romance.

Put to sleep in me, that hungry being , lost for affection, disgraced by imperfections.

Thank you.

Vincent.

Remembering the days of love.

Remember the days when life had its momentum, when you had a passion for the most banal and senseless things, when everything doesn't need to make sense, when we could all just love without much thought. I didn't have that . I was different. I saw the danger people didn't see. I saw the potential, and the idiotic pointless puppy love that mingled among the mindsets of my generation.

I thought I was wise, I thought I was thinking a level higher. God, was that your plan ? That I never had an experience of mindless romance. Though lowly and immature it may be, but it seems that I've missed something in life. Someone potentially linked to me.

Maybe I do want to be in love again.

Maybe I really do want to love without holding back, again. Hopefully this time, I will not regret.

When the time is right.

I'll be waiting, Love.

I want to make you last for as long as I live.

I want to make you flourish with the other half of me.

I want to make you give birth into something good - a family.

I want to see you living up to what they you are.

I'll wait, though my heart longs for more.

Love,

Vincent.

Moving on.

I'm moving on.

Vincent- desire

What on earth is your desire?

I want to say its God. I really want to. However thinking closely, observing my own thoughts, I realize I have to come to the fact that God isn't my desire. When I wake up in the morning, God isn't the first thing I think of. When wait aimlessly in the car, God isn't the subject of my wondering .

I want to move forward, I want to break free. Or do I?

She's a very nice distance away from me. Its like the earth and moon, a force is pulling them apart, yet on the contrary, a force is holding them together.

I can't run from her, she will always be in my life one way or another. And I can't get closer to her, because every time I try, a catastrophe happens.

Remembering Victor's theory, which said that why I still loved her, is because I have no reason not to. Since then, I've been trying very hard to find her flaws, and I've found a few.

However, her weaknesses are like the wind blowing through , easily forgettable and forgiven, understood with patience and overcame by my foolish , youthful, pointless love.

I'll hate myself for being loyal idiotic fool who fell so deep in love, that though I came in light, I am still blind.

I can't for life to go faster to see what can happen. I'll see when i'm 24.

Valiante

To Love is a privilege.

I love, I care .

I desire , I burn with fire.

I imagine, I believe,

to love is a privilege.

I learn, I grow,

I look back, I change.

I think , I show.

To love is a privilege.

I've seen, I've heard.

I've acknowledge, I've been absurd.

I've listened, I've ignored ,

But now I truly know ...

to love is a privilege.

Or do I ?

It is, and I will learn to appreciate it,

than to run from it.

Thank you.

God, and you.

Valiante.

Update

Yesterday was Saturday, spent quality time in church. Had this pastor who told gave us a personality check. I got an "I" and a "C". "I" for and influential person. Someone who affects people around him. To him , enjoyment is priority. Has no plan in everything he does. Full of ideas. Will sacrifice others for his own good. "C" , a critical thinker, needs lots of details, loves to think of new concepts, talk less, keeps to himself a lot. Plans ahead.

I was like , hm.... these are quite accurate. I was more on the I part than on the C. However it is undeniably true that I am part of both worlds. =]

Surprisingly, my dad is also a strong "I" and a secondary "C".

I am less attracted to her, but it doesn't mean I don't . Theories of the leaders constantly swim in my mind , Like " if you can't enjoy single-hood , you won't be able to survive without her , which makes you totally dependent on her. Which means you are not dependent on God. If makes a mistake, you will fall with her. "

And then there's " Vincent you need to learn to focus on God, you're surrounding your life around her. "

" I'm just attracted to her, not love."

I am, I assure you people, Dad, Joseph, Victor, the church , the leaders and everyone who cares for me, I will be a conqueror as God named me to be. I will triumph over this obstacles and be who He wants me to be. God has a great plan for me, with her or without her.

I am clearly able to control my feelings, though I get cold turkey once in awhile. But God has to be the drug I get addicted now. Its only right , when he's so Good to me.

" Dear God , May I find rest in you , my deliverer, my protector, and the Shepperd of my heart.

Somehow, this song by brooke fraser is the only romance song I ever liked.

The Thief - Brooke Fraser.

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us

Vincent Tan.

Vincent- onetwothree. Update

Listening to " I'm yours ". Something in me is fighting back though. Maybe because I belong to Jesus. No one else.

Oh well , my model is done. Not satisfied though. I'm just no Good with big fingers like these. I now admire people who can cut papers into alphabets , because darn , its hard. Imagine cutting 0.5mm grooves into the 1mm board.

I have to focus on God. Thats the only reason she's always around me. Its the only lesson I have not learnt yet. But I will. Just you watch.

Anyway, Model 3 is finishing soon. Drew a self portrait today , thought that my drawing looks more handsome than the me. hahaha. Hope tomorrow will be a good day.

Vincent

Beautiful

Has it ever occurred to you , that flowers are so beautiful.

Has it ever blow you mind away, how much time we waste on facebook.

Have you wake up in the morning thinking what's to be done today,

That I didn't accomplish yesterday.

craping

"I wanna treat girls right. Protect them. be a gentleman."

I went to lavender today , didn't think there would really be a place calleb by that. Oh well, to do my student pass. Didn't really think i would be lost, but the place's a mess, terrible architecture.

I'm just going to crap about today, so if you're not in for it, don't read on.

1. I'm blinded again. I'm don;t want to trust myself anymore. Sooner or later, i must face her, so i've decided i would. =]

2. I'm madly in love with her, though 3 months ago marks 5 years. I guess not getting something makes you wanna get it all the more aye ?

3. this is crap dun read.

4. Have you ever felt so lonely like you're a lil boy riding his tricycle on a empty highway leading to nowhere in the middle of a desert.

5. Have you loved someone so much you just feel so hard against yourself, and you just want to scream so loud, and deafen the whole world around you.

6. Have you ever felt afraid of going somewhere alone, to someplace you've never been? I have, and how i wish she was there by my side.

7. I'm not ready for a relationship.

8. Sux

9. I can't find a reason to hate her, maybe that's why I can't stop loving her.

10. Should ask her for a reason to hate her? Even then would she let me know her.

11. Here's the thing, I love her , but she doesn't. So I find a reason to hate her , of which i don't. But the thing is, the part that would make me hate her would be the inner most part of her, oh which she will only open to those whom are closest to her, whom she trusts.

And I am not.

I'm not ready for a marriage, because i'm not working.

I'm not ready for a relationship, because i have problems of my own, and being in a relationship will only AMPLIFY the problem. Not solve it.

God I love you, you know I do. Help me love you more.

Bang..... ah.... its nothing.

phew..... i miss caleb

pff.... i should focus..

darn my perspective drawing is good. But i can't say that, because that means i have pride.

=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0-=0

sldifjslkdjlskdjflksjlksjflksdjf

321321321321321321

654465465498798648512245767854.

38388828883.4864656545665.

0.523817694

-_-

valiante

what scares you?

As a little boy, I was big. I thought i fear nobody. I was the biggest guy in class when I was in kindergarden, I was the fastest growing boy in primary school. By primary four i needed to buy clothes from secondary school. On my first day in secondary school I was mistaken as a senior student. When I was 14, I was mistaken 35 when I wore glasses, checker shirt , and a mouth that kept shut. However, I was always afraid of one thing, and that was relations to people.

I'm afraid of Good relationships with guys, because that means I need to sacrifice certain things for them. I'm afraid of Good relationships with adults, because I have no idea what they are thinking about me. I'm afraid of Good relationships with children , because I have to be responsible for them.

Most of all, I'm afraid of Good relationships with girls, because I love easily , and I love deeply. On and off , there were some girls I desire for some time , but never was one as desirable than the one I've been in love with for the past 5 years , 3 months , and around 3 days.

What scares you ?

Her existence in my life , her ability to keep thinking about her every single day, her capability of making ga-gah when I see her, and the fact that she is making me constantly thinking of solutions to resolve our issue.

God, is there a resolve ?

because God, if there isn't , please , I beg of you , knock me over, and extract the memories of her from me.

She scares me.

Vincent.

Valiante

Okay.

1. My laptop is here

2. I cut two fingers today.

3. First time having BIG BREAKFAST from McD.

4. May not be sleeping tonight, rushing project.

5. I still like the name Abigail for my first daughter's name =].

6. Actually, she was there in that dream, but i don't remember anything about her as the mother. I really should stop thinking.

7. Is there anyway to get her off my mind. Its like running a very heavy programme, and because of her my brain laggggggggggggggggggggggsss for a few seconds during peak time.

8. I should really lose some weight.

9. I hate girls , love women.

10. God why put me with those idiotic ding dong students in the same course. But i thank you they're not in my class. Your grace is indeed suficient.

11. I hate those students who listen to their iPOD during lectures.

Vincent.

Notes to self

Homework Due:

1. Model 2.

2. Colour wheel model.

3. Nirit's technical drawing

4. Design Studio technical drawing

5. Chair sketch ( done )

Model 2

2hours for walls.

2hours for wall paper

2hours to layout.

2hours to furniture making

and crap I don't know what to expect.

I have no idea where I am heading , skipped reading the bible this morning, but still prayed.

Need to read more bible.

Have to stop being influenced bad classmates bad habit of vulgar language.

Have to stop thinking about that dream that i had a child named abigail.

Have to stop wondering who was the mother of my child in my dream.

Darn I have to work harder.

I have to get my com so that aunt won't have to fight with me over it.

I have to get relations done right with my aunts.

I have to deal with money problems before i run out of money to even eat.

I have to stop buying materials. I have to have enough.

Shucks , stop thinking about her, it'll never work.

I have to get my health back, asthma seems to be at my door.

I have to learn to be less of myself.

I have to be humble to the people around me.

I have to have a little more encouraging words for my fellow classmates.

I have to lose some weight.

I have to get my student visa done.

I have to adapt faster to my surroundings.

Darn , when's my com coming ?

I have to learn to be more thrifty.

I have to go.

Vincent. New edition.

Hello world ,

I see you in brand new perspectives ,

I see you in brand new elevations ,

I see you in brand new possibilities.

Hello self,

Will you change to camoflauge into the surrounding ,

Will you conform into the shape of this world,

Will you forget the mercy and grace God planned for you ?

Hello NYP,

Please have mercy on me ,

Please be kind and give me delight ,

Please be the stepping to the greater I am ,

and maybe one day,

I will stand tall and say ,

NYP my climbing ladder,

One I've not forgotten ,

Now and Always.

Hello Jesus ,

Will you bless me ?

Will you keep me from evil ?

Will you show me mercy in times of great need ?

I know your will , but show me ?

God your will be done , not mine . I'm serious.

Vincent.

Nanyang Poly Accepts

I'm not sure how I should go around about this. The happiness, the pain , the confusion , the blessings, the beauty in believing , the little faith that I had , and still held on tight. I'm not sure how to explain it all, thinking that God was going to have me go to kampar , and then suddenly throw in a surprise that is far greater and better than what I've ever thought.

As an update, I'm currently living in Singapore, Yishun, studying in NYP . praise God that i'm very much blessed that my aunt owns a home in Yishun that is only two MRT stops from Yio Chu Kang , where NYP is.

Hectic as this few days was, i'm very gratified that God treats me so well.

Thank you god.

Vincent

TP rejects.

Hi

We refer to your appeal for admission.

In view of overwhelming response to our course application, we regret to inform you that your appeal is unsuccessful.

Thank you for your interest in Temasek Polytechnic.

Warmest Regards
Registrar’s Office / Admissions
Temasek Polytechnic
Enquiries for Application and Payment Hotline: (65) 6787 8000
Email enquiries (for Local Qualifications holders) to: admissions@tp.edu.sg

Yay...

I really don't know what to say.

On one hand I know its God playing with my life , trying to paint a picture better.

On the other hand , I don't want to submit to God's plans.

Abish~

Wake up larh Vincent. kampar welcomes you. just get ready.

Dear God.

( Status : pending )

Dear God , if this is not your will , don't let it be done.

I can't really take anymore rejections, but this is an exception. But oh well , i don't know what to hope for anyway.

Vincent.

Goodbyes.

You know, God, wouldn't it be awesome if I could say goodbye to some people for the last time.

Because I really want to.

Really.

Valiante De Conquerista

Eyes.

I see ,

I think I understand ,

And then I loose it.

I feel ,

I thought I was moved,

And then I loose it again.

I dream,

I judge it reality,

And then I wake.

I saw you.

I feel you.

I recently dreamed about you.

And then I have to leave.

I want to thank God, though my heart is reluctant.

I want to praise God, though storms surround me.

I wan to believe this is what you have for me , though circumstances prove me wrong.

I want to see , God , I want to see this world through your eyes.

And God , I want to see what I can do, than just sit down here, waiting on the world to change.

I want brand new eyes.

Valiante de Conquerista.

Understand: circle theory

First , I send you a message. Then you misunderstood it as a message with purpose of chasing you. So , you don't reply. Then I feel funny, because to me , that message is just me being friendly,casual , random. After that, I feel that you're trying to hide from me, like you hate me, give me weird and cold faces. Though you don't hate me actually. I start to forget how to treat you normal . I become " Unable To Function" in front of you. After awhile, you feel fine, give me a smile. and we're good again. Then , I send you a normal friendly message. The circle theory goes again.

dedicated to you ,

you know who you are.

Now I'm asking you , will you trust me that everything I do unto you from this day on , has no deeper reasons than that of you are my friend, my good friend , and nothing more. I expect nothing from you. Just trust me and maybe you will break this Circle theory.

I'm going to leave soon. Just give me a break , okay ?

I've understood . But will it be enough ?

Vincent.

Just today.

Rejected.

1.Dear Vincent,

The SPM/STPM application portal is closed already, we cannot extend any more as school is starting. Hence we can only advise you to apply again next year.

Regards,

Jessica Yuan (Ms)

Office of the Registrar

Republic Polytechnic

2.Hi Vincent

We have considered your appeal and regret to inform you that your appeal is not successful as your SPM aggregate is beyond the course cut-off point. Competition for limited vacancies is very keen and admission is based on merit and available vacancies.

Please write directly to Ngee Ann Polytechnic if you wish to appeal for their course.

Thanks and regards.

Evannia Lee (Ms)
Duty Officer
Admissions Office

Singapore Polytechnic.

3.Dear Tan,

We refer to your appeal.

Entry to the polytechnics is merit-based. Applicants must meet the entry requirements to be eligible for a course. However, being eligible for a course does not guarantee a place in a particular course. This is because an applicant's chances of securing a place in a particular course will depend on the demand for the course. We regret to inform you that we are unable to accede to your request for admission to the Diploma courses in Architecture and Common Engineering Programme as your aggregate is beyond the course cut-off point.

Competition for these courses are very keen and we have had to turn away other candidates as well.

Thank you for your interest in courses conducted by Singapore Polytechnic.

Yours sincerely,
Norida
Duty Officer
Admissions Office

Lets see how many more are coming.

Vincent

Update

Sometimes I just wonder how long is life going to be ?

Sometimes I just wonder why does things explode in my face ?

Sometimes I just wonder why the easiest things in life has to be made hard by God ?

Sometimes I just wonder why God put her in my life , to a certain extend of hindering my life ? I understand God , you want me to grow . But isn't it time you give me a sign ? Show me something. GOD PLEASE.... pull me out of this deep hole already ?

You know God , sometimes I think my surroundings have thought me by mouth that you exist , but in action you don't. Nobody around me shows that they rely on you for decisions.

I don't know you voice God , talk to me , and show me sign its from you. Y

You know God , I love you right ? I want to live like you want me to. But God you know this ain't gonna work if you don't start showing me directions. Poly just rejected me twice God , and you know i'm not the kind that takes rejection easily, especially when they keep telling you the same thing with different ways. Why did you drop my grades that bad, and bless those who don't even live for your name? I mean eventhough 5As ain't that bad, but god , they are telling me that I can't enter school because my aggregated score is not enough.

You know God, I'm feeling very tired. I sin everyday , and I can't step out . I am very ashamed of myself. Please give me strength.

God tell me lord , one thing. Do you want me to do architecture. I mean you don't put me through attachment and develop interest for nothing right ? Argh... why is everything so hard?

Can you show me already? Because God here I am , I'm crying . I'm desperate. will you open up a door for me already ?

God here , in my hands are the talents you give me. Art, music , maybe a lil bit of science. Use me lord to glorify your name in a certain extend that I can't say it was myself.

So god , do you want me to study architect in singapore polytechnic. If not , send me lord , somewhere I can glorify your name.

If I leave God , please take care of the TEENz WMM . I know you are in control , though sometimes I thought I was. Please take care of my cellgroup members. Do you really want me to leave JB ? God , please , you are God , you can't make a change for me right ? to let me stay here and serve you more.

God if end up leaving JB , is it because you want me to be parted from her? Is it because i have failed to get rid of my feelings for her ? Then its not fair you know ? I have to give up my optimum choice because you set someone in my life that I can't overcome ? God I officially give you my feelings. everything I have for her , I give it to you.

I thank you God for giving victor........

I thank you God for blessing priscilla with the No.1 in architecture faculty SP.

I thank you God for placing me in FGC.

I thank you God for giving me great parents.

I thank you God for giving me a talent in playing guitar.

I thank you God for giving me a talent in sharing.

I thank you God for letting me a chance to work in church.

I acknowledge your work oh lord , in my life. Blessed be your name , forever and ever.

your's sincerely ,

your son.

Vincent,

Update

To those who think I did awesome and deliberately text me to congratulate me on results such as 5As 5Bs , Wollah~ I didn't make it for SP-architecture. The one thing I want so much. So thanks for rubbing in the salt and give me so much hope.

Nah~ don't listen to what I just said. Thanks you guys for encouraging me. I'm waiting for a reply for the appeal that i wrote in. Hopefully by the 6th of april I will know.

If not , Goodbye JB , hello KAMPAR. Goodbye TEENz Camp Concert. Goodbye Cellgroup , Goodbye TEENz WMM .

I don't want to. So please God , let me in to Singapore Polytechnic. And shut my mom up about pushing me into kampar. I really don't want to go.

Tell me Lord , is it because of her I don't want to go ?

tell me lord in my dreams as i sleep tonight.

Vincent.

My dearest Heavenly Father.

To my dearest heavenly father,

I wonder if there are better words than "thank you" to clarify what my heart wants to say to you, but you would already know, wouldn't you ? I thank you God for placing different people in my life, as they toughen me up to brace the waves ahead. Though to me , they are like masked thieves that I do not blame , and though they are but still an edging sword piercing through my heart, though they disheartened me and bring me down to the very dust of the earth , I will and again I will say, I'll will praise you in this storm.

Though sometimes I do not see your hand in front of my guiding path, I will still in faith believe that you are my strength behind my back that pushed me on to this very day. Though God sometimes I really do not see the reasons of these fiery paths lighted in flames , but I will walk through this fire , if you want me to. For I know you have plans for me , plans to prosper me , to give me a hope and a future, where Goodness and mercy shall follow me , everywhere that I go.

God I want to believe. Though you say faith of a mustard seed is enough , but God you never clarified the measure of faith to the size of physical matter. How then Lord almighty do I know If Abraham the father of faith only have faith the size of a speck dust not even worth in your eyes to lay upon?Tell me oh god in my dreams if my faith worth thee a thought?

God please , keep my strong , show me your ways , as I face this sinful generation, where even those called your children bask in glory under the enemies' shadow of sin. Help me Lord stand firm in your ways , your righteousness , and of your great humility , against the ebb and flow of the world.

Help me lord , walk in your foot steps , not my friends , not my elders , not my enemies. But to walk as you did , like how you paced over the earth , in sandals I'm in no way fit to carry. I am indeed unworthy , yet I am still in your eyes , a Son.

I look forward to the day you call me into your arms. The warmth embrace when you would say , " Come here and find rest in me , you did wonderful... wonderful indeed ... and I am proud of you... "

" No none Go with me , Still I will follow... "

" I wanna be like a child lord, calling you daddy , daddy.... For I am yours... "

Vincent tan,

A Conqueror,

as you have could me to be.

Vincent tan driving is a bad idea.

I drove one of these today. And I almost kissed a perodua Myvi.

=]

my fault.

Blind.

Maybe I should be feelings-ly blind. it feel much better.

This time.

I want to love Jesus.
i want live out loud.
I want to be myself , that is if I know who am I.

you know, the sound of chinese drums and fire krakers is really spoiling my Emo mode.
oh well, she's appearing in my dreams more and more often these days. I really should keep my distance now. Hope she understands , like she always does.

Heard this song called "This Time" by Jonathan Rhys Meyers in a movie called "August Rush".
It pretty much sang out how I feel. Though it didn't feel right ,but I have the right to feel , right ?

so here's the chorus that caught my attention.
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind
This time






Valiante

Updatte : I'm losing.

I'm seriously Losing Friends.

I feel all alone sometimes.

Its not that there are none.

Just none that shares the passion.

Just none that could be there for me , constantly.

Just none that is of my age , my lifestyle.

I want to lay down my life for Jesus ,

But who will be by my side ?

Jesus ain't no man , he is God.

And maybe sometimes I still need company from man.

If only God could become like a man , a friend , to me.

Someone that could talk crap with me ,

Listen to me Emo , and talk rubbish .

Today at prayer , it felt like I was the only one.

No one could feel the burden that I feel.

It felt like I was the only one left in my generation that has such zeal to burn for God.

My dad told me " You must be able to be alone, yet not lonely ."

But i'm not alone , yet i'm lonely.

God give me friend , that is not a girl to tempt me mind.

God please give me friend that would encourage me to love you more.

God , I'm begging you. Open my eyes to see.

I'm tired.

Valiante.

test

You Scored as Musical/Rhythmic learner You like to: Sing, hum, listen the music, play an instrument and move to the music. You highlight in: Singing, recognizing sounds, remembering melodies, notice rhythms and tones and maintaining the time. You learn better: When listening music, rhythms, melodies and songs. You can improve your weakest areas too. Want to know how? There are many articles on Internet: http://www.google.com/search?q=Multiple+Intelligences Musical/Rhythmic learner 90% Visual/Spatial learner 86% Corporal/Kinesthetic learner 79% Logical/Mathematical Learner 68% Intrapersonal learner 65% Verbal/Linguistic learner 59% Interpersonal learner 55% Naturalist learner 48%

Update

Followed a tut. New prac.

the following is just a spam of my thoughts for today.

Recently , I've been telling myself to find the beauty in the broken , to have compassion for the poor. Nah~ didn't have the slightest sign of it. I went into homes , lots of them . Different backgrounds , different ppl .

From the not so rich , to the richy-rich. From the not so moralled ppl to the high and mighty, materialistic ppl. Its a greatr contrast. Sometimes its just such a confusion when it comes to my self image. When I'm with the lower classed ppl , I feel the tendency to judge them for their illed morality . When I'm with the high classed ppl , I feel an unmistakable pressure to keep myself well behaved and calm. It felt like as if I don't belong. Sitting on the same table with millionaires , eating short cakes and drinking coffee from nice flowery cups on beautifully designed saucers that has a tinge of Britain culture made me undeniably hard to breathe or even speak. I didn't know why I was here. I was wearing a BASF company T-shirt while others were wearing Padini, Polo , or even brands that sounds Italian that has never made it to my ears before.

Out of place. Though they are known as Good friends of my father, But I didn't like to be there .

Sitting with them , my heart cries with a solemn question "Do these so called Christians love God ? Because tyhroughout an hours fellowship , I did NOT here anybody say Jesus ." If these ppl trully loved Jesus , they would talk about him. NO . Shame.

Ang Paus ? stupid stuff. Pointless.

I'm tired , socially , and cookie-ly.

I have to stop thinking about her . Nothings going to work out. No , I should stop . Thought of her 14 times today . Hey , thats 15 . I really wonder , how could anyone else make feel like she does. I mean I can still feel other girls , my heart still pump deeper when I see pretty girls of top class quality, I still consider new girls that surface in my pool of ppl. But nobody , nobody so far, could make me feel more assurance , than she could ever do.

But for now I still feel this feeling of " unknown " with her . Its like unsure , yet sure . Most of the time you ask someone ,

" you love her ? "

" yes ."

"Would you go steady with her if she says yes ?"

" YES !"

However the ironic part with me is that , I would say yes , then No .

I know I love her. But I don't want her to be with me. Its crazy .

What am I talking about . Haiz~

scrap that.

Wouldn't it be all nice , if I were to just mess up everything with her ,do something to her so bad that is would make her hate me. Then I'll never have to ever hope for her . Hahaa... nice plan Boy. "Abish~" victor would say.

"Die larh Vincent , you're so hopelessly in love with her..." Joshua Gan said , and will say it again.

" You have to give her more space and be less than friends to her, she's afraid..." Caleb said.

" Vincent, you have to let her go. God has better plans for you that may not include her ... " Victor would say .

" Heck care , you like her , go for it..." all my classmates said.

" Maybe you should ask her to pray ..." Mom hinted.

" Maybe I should stop feeling , no troubles then ..." sub-conscience Vincent says to himself .

" GO AND SLEEP !!! " Conscience Vincent says.

Goodnight Jesus. Love me , hug me , never let me go. Thanks you . iBelieve in you .

My mind's not working , should sleep.

Vincent.Valiante.

500 days of summer

I hate the show.
Or maybe I hate summer.
It was just wrong for her to do that to Tom.
Giving him "Bullshit" all the time .
Its like I can feel it.

Why can't i have just one love story that can end the way the I want it to.
A nice long awaited couple , committed.
Finally, maybe without saying Goodbyes , they would hold on till they meet their graves.

oh wait , Titus and jie lin's wedding is coming.

to hell with autumn. It will be another mess up, if you know what I mean.

Updatte

In the last two days . I had some time with her alone. I thought it was good , not so that I can built up a relationship with her , but to more or less familiarize her presence.

It was good. Now none of us feel the tension in the air that use to choke us mute. I'm happy . As long as I can stop thinking about her when I'm not with her. Its challenging , but my name is Vincent , which means " Conquerer " . I will conquer this problem. I just hope she'll give me enough time.

We went to SAB to help out the Cf there . We waited for time to pass as the Cf was allocated at 1pm. We were there at 12:40. We paced on from the gates where Joseph left us , commenting on her hasty feet that moved way too fast for me. The wind blew in our faces . A mellow, soft kind of fragrance that suggests warmth and care delighted me .

We sat around at the walkway , while she strolled around a bit. I sat at the end of corridor , sitting on the steps. Watching her as she strolled slowly away from me , while engrossed in the files that she held in her hands . It struck me then , " Vincent , you really have to let go of her , give her the space she needs to grow, and in meantime , maybe grow yourself into the perfect guy she can ever have , if she ever is going to be that one ."

I'm willing , God . Help me.

Vincent.

ventilator

I wish I could ,

Plant a ventilator ,

Wherever I would ,

behind my head it could .

Maybe it'll all sound amusing,

When the ventilator became confusing ,

And all who sees the astounding ,

Feel all the more heart-breaking.

I visited the places ,

that reminded me of faces ,

yellow they may be ,

lies, they carry, has hurt me deeply.

In the beautiful sanctuary,

where two thought they would be ,

In the end, hurt , none was two ?

But three , I remind thee ,

Third it is , the one with the ventilator ,

planted behind his head ,

hoping to ventilate out all the confusion,

That he had ,

That he has ,

And that he will have .

"Papa" , he cries .

And heaven's gates open to him.

" Into your hands , I return my spirit. "

Valiante

Updatte

Update: I Understood.

In the past two weeks , I have been given the privilege to work under the "TEENz Leaders Internship Program ".

Remembering just a month ago , I was praying hard whether I should take part in this program, where the alternative was to work in some restaurant as a underpaid waiter. Finally I've decided upon the fact that God offered me this program , must well do it , knowing God wants me to learn something important here.

After two weeks of working here , I understood what God wanted me to learn,or maybe just part of what God wants me to learn.

She joined the program also.

Things happened , for good.

Trying to learn , getting better each day . God's grace is enough for me.

now I understood.

"God I wanna place my focus on you , but will you take care of everything else ? please."

Vincent

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

While i'm still having the birthday rave , i'm gonna shout it out , "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!"

Ohkay , goodnight world .

I wish that I can get a present from GOD . My wish is that i may be wise, like Solomon . ( BIG GRIN )

I wonder if she will wish me.... arh never mind .

Vincent tan,

Birthday Boy for the next 24 hours .

Fear of the unknown.

Ever felt when there is something amiss,

You know that there is something wrong,

You could feel it deep inside , someone was hiding something.

And you couldn't point it out, slowly you become afraid.

The fear of the unknown.

You mind goes into an unending logical spin,

getting more complex at every turn ,

you loose control of your emotions ,

you loose control of your rationality ,

things get weirder as your try to link up the dots .

You can't sleep , and you become a bomb ready to explode .

the fear of the unknown.

You are afraid that what you're thinking is fairly right,

yet you are afraid of the consequences when it is wrong.

The fear of the unknown.

Ps.Mark use to regard the fear of the unknown as one of the greatest fear.

Now I know.

there's so many questions in my head , if only the person with the answers would stop hiding the answers from me.

My heart is restless Lord , give me your peace.

Vincent.